From the Chapman Football team forgetting how to play football to Pie Hole purchasing the entire Orange Circle, it’s been a wild first two months here at Chapman University in the 2020-2021 school year  - which is happening in person because why would school not happen in person?  Luckily, we’re here to catch you up. 

Convocation was marred by scandal when President Struppa welcomed the class of 2024 as the “Class of ‘69” and continued to emphatically bring up the number 69, which the Kumquat has now learned is the sex number. Then, in early September, half of the new Henley basement gym seceded from the other half and now.“East Gym vs. West Gym” has become the new “Blaze vs. Pizza Press.”

There’s also a freshman who just so happens to be named “Dayton Kingery” and nobody wants to break the news to him. Outrage engulfed the campus on Oct. 5 when Struppa erected a fifth pillar in the piazza, which had “owning the libs” written on it. Overall, it’s been a decent start and we hope for only wilder things as the administration begins its investigation into the disappearance of Leatherby Libraries.