As spring semester winds down, Chapman students everywhere can’t contain their excitement at the prospect of being responsibility-free. That’s right, it’s summer, the only time of year where you can finally sit around the house and do nothing!

“Summertime is here!” proclaims junior Anne Elise Babel. “The only thing that got me through quarantine was smoking and day drinking in my Orange house. Now, I can’t wait to return to my Presbyterian family, where I have to pretend I’m saving myself for marriage. Plus, the only guy that sells weed in my hometown is a registered sex offender! I can’t wait!”

“I hated online classes because they sometimes made me remember what day it was!” complains grumpy grad student Maiya, who is working towards a war and society masters for some reason. “Now that classes are over, I’m saying fuck it to memorable experiences and letting those days melt into weeks, baby! Time to loosen my grip on reality and the very concept of time as a forward progression!”

 All this Kumquat journalist has to say is, at least you don’t have to write dumb satire articles about a niche campus culture that hasn’t existed for 2 months.