It’s only been two weeks since the brilliant new system–which rewards those with better grades more Panther Bucks and Caf swipes–was put into motion. Already, stocks are up and productivity is high!

This new “supply side” approach, which incentivizes “competition and hard work” by denying any lazy, low-grade slackers the right to eat, has clear results: now that students are under the threat of starvation, the median grade yield is hitting record numbers!

Some snowflake liberals complain that, without access to basic nutrition, students with low grades are too busy starving to focus on grade improvement. Furthermore, those infographic babies even have the audacity to claim that professors are hoarding Panther Bucks for themselves, and that high-achieving students have developed a consumerist lifestyle revolving around Starbucks baked goods and the commodification of those little mixed nut bags in the Rotunda. 

Well guess what libs? I don’t know what “commodification” means! And even if students are buying more red velvet cake pops than they could ever consume, why stop them? They’ve earned it!

So clearly, the system is working. And with talks to implement “dorm hall redlining” next month, it’s safe to say that the “Chapman Dream” is becoming a reality!