Sick of just eating dry chicken and rice? Looking for more ways to contribute to your glorified eating disorder? Replacing the estrogen-infested, pathetic liberal vegan station, look no further than Chapman University’s very first slaughterhouse! For just two swipes, you can now pick a helpless animal, have it butchered right in front of you, and eat it raw. It’s cutting season, baby!

The station will feature a variety of livestock (none of which have been ethically raised) such as creatine dusted chickens, iron-deficient cows with 2% body fat, and—if our resident cat-catchers get lucky—one of those jacked stray-cats from the streets of Orange. Meeeeoow! 

Remember, only the strong survive, and this ain’t a Petco. If the butcher sees you cry, your next meal has to live with you for a full week before its slaughter. Name it at your own risk! Now get that soy-boy ass up, eat some real protein, and get back on the bench, cause no one will ever truly love you with those feminine hips.