“Mr. Bananas has a kind and gentle heart,” says Chapman Grand resident, Katy Bishop, owner of the 476-pound male silverback gorilla who brutalized two of her roommates the week before break. “He’s an ESA, you know.” 

Indeed, Mr. Bananas was verified as an ESA after Katy sent a two-sentence email to Chapman using a forged psychologist's note. She even bought a cute ESA vest off of Amazon for him (before he tore it to shreds using the second strongest mammalian bite force in the animal kingdom). Katy insists that being an ESA makes him well-trained, and that besides screeching at his own reflection, throwing feces at people, and establishing territorial domination over the living room, Mr. Bananas has been a good monkey for the entire semester. 

Therefore, Katy firmly believes that when her roommates return from the hospital in the Spring, they can continue to coexist with the giant primate that Chapman legally has to accommodate. “As long as they remember to bare their backs and show submissiveness every time they enter his territory,” says Katy, “Mr. Bananas will treat them as family.”