New Kumquat writer Kyle Jones, who will remain anonymous, detailed his car crash of a life in a recent Kumquat article he submitted to the editors. “At first, we thought that his jokes were bombing until we realized he was just talking about his miserable life," one writer said. Jones wrote about topics such as a bad trip to the DMV, milk he had just bought that went sour before the expiration date, and his parents writing him out of their will. "We want to help him, but we need the content for this next issue," an editor said. "People think this publication complains enough as it is, but this is really pushing the envelope." Others on staff tried nudging Kyle away from his melodramatic sob story towards other topics such as "why students with rolling backpacks travel in herds” or "Jerry Price's weird public Instagram account," to no avail. In the end, Kyle wrote an article about a downed power line that fried his pet tortoise, which would eventually be cut from the issue and repurposed for his next article.