Maybe my circadian rhythm is off, maybe it’s because I keep getting wine drunk at noon, or maybe the constant Little Caesars delivery is throwing my hormones askew. My man-uterus is fucking screaming lately— I think I wanna have a kid. I saw this video where Patton Oswalt made his kid do accents? Picture that! Tiny little baby face but then it says, “Wewl ahm jus gonna jot down to de pub iz ‘at alrah wif you dada?” ACK!! SIGN ME UP!!!

I know I shouldn’t. All I have available to feed a baby is blunt roaches and popcorn chicken, BUT I want one. Do you think I could get a loaner? These couples keep walking past my house with their babies in a stroller almost as if they WANT to give me one. I’m still googling, but as a single man with close to no income right now, it seems unlikely that I’ll be able to get ahold of or give birth to a baby anytime soon. It’s for the best probably, because when this is all over and I can finally unwind I’m going to blackout for two months, wake up in an eastern European sex cult and have to hitchhike my way back to Chapman just in time for fall semester, and you can’t do all that with a baby by your side… can you?