I began my morning routine: 15 minutes of swiping right, brush teeth, 10 minutes of swiping left, get dressed, 8 minutes right, vitamins, 20 minutes left, update bio. I was starting to get discouraged when I finally heard it.

That ding could only mean one thing. I, Ryan Bull, Sophomore Strategic & Corporate Communication major, first of his name, avid shooter of 3’s, seeker of something casual but open to anything, 6’2 not that it matters, dad bod of dragons lol, had finally been Super Liked.

I could feel in my boner--bones, sorry-- that this was the one. After a harrowing thirty minutes of continual swipage, I finally found her. She was perfect. She was a dream. She was 0.2 miles away. She was...voting for Bernie 2020? Fuck. What a shame. Back to the swiping grind.