“Oh id luv to Carl, but im swamped with finals (water gun emoji, water gun emoji). Maybe another time??” A text like this seems pretty normal this time of year, but for freshman Carl Thomas, it’s routine.

“I’ve been trying to go to Blaze with this girl Bridget since O-Week, and every week, she’s been too busy studying for finals,” a confused and distraught Carl told The Kumquat. “Like how much studying can one person do?!” A great question, Carl, and this reporter thinks that Carl deserves some answers.

Frankly, I think we all deserve some answers. Especially, me. I’ve been subject to the same fucking mind games as you, Carl. So, my question for you, Jessica… I mean… Bridget (if that even is your real name), is who the fuck do you think you are?! But also, if you are 100%, honestly, studying for finals— then I TOTALLY understand. Lmk if you wanna get Contra. For The Kumquat, I’m Little Bitch Boy. Happy Holidays.