As Thanksgiving break comes to a close and students return, this year's freshmen come home with sunken eyes and all new forms of depression.

After visiting family in Arizona, one Britta Blively came home to her childhood bedroom occupied by a trio of Flemish tourists, whom her parents (now “old and gross”) rented out as a bed and breakfast. Hoping for some normalcy, Britta decided to meet her long distance girlfriend Glennifer, local party fiend, at their favorite restaurant. Arriving on the scene, it was boarded up and shuttered, and Glennifer was held up at a late accounting lecture.

After a few days of awkward meetups with friends who “don’t even know Pete from Pike or who Dodge is,” Britta returned to Chapman with a stomach full of turkey and a heart full of melancholy.

“I wonder if perhaps it is just that our hometowns have changed, and our family that grew up in our absence,” she theorized.

And reader, she’s right. The alternative scares me. I will never grow old. I am going to live forever. I will never change and never die.