It’s a landmark year for American politics, but as the nation’s disenfranchised fight for their right to be treated as human beings, still others are asking questions like, “Why should I care?”, “How will this affect me?”, and “Who do you know here?”  So, this one goes out all my boys playing die on the front lawn — here’s why Joe Biden is the ultimate frat star candidate. 

The Trump administration is full of filthy fucking unaffiliateds. Think about it this way, bro: Trump is pro-police, which, by the law of equivalent exchange, makes Joe Biden pro-parties. You wanna keep hitting it raw? Trump wants to defund Planned Parenthood. Are you ready to be a Dad? 

And just look at Don Jr.’s fucking face. That’s the kind of pussy who cries to IFC when you make him kill a handle. Meanwhile, Hunter Biden would get pref’d for Phi Delt AT LEAST. The guy got busted for doing coke in a VIP strip club, that’s like the definition of a stud.

Maybe you think voting is just too hard. Like, bro, I agree, but you’re forgetting you HAVE pledges. You think shotgunning ten Michelobs is hardcore? Try phone banking for Democratic candidates in Flagstaff, Arizona. That shit is next-level hazing.

So this election season, really think about who you’re giving a bid to for the presidency. And remember that only one of these candidates downplayed a pandemic which caused the death of hundreds of thousands of Americans and has the official endorsement of white supremacists. If you’re still undecided after all that, then get the fuck out of our house.