Isolation isn’t treating the Chapman Community too kindly. Senior Chet Chetsky said, “I miss person to person contact. I miss my hot professor. But at least I still get to see his broad shoulders on zoom.” The students are all capital H HORNY and the pandemic seems to be cockblocking them hard. Horny tweets have risen an alarming 63% as social media users are crying out for literally anyone to come and shack up with them in the recently penned “coughing season.” Shana O’hara said she is so tired of receiving texts saying, “I would spit in your mouth...but the climate” or “I’d rail you so hard, but it is irresponsible to go outside”.  

There’s nothing the student body doesn’t want to fuck. Chetsky tweeted that “the morlan couch is lookin like a damn snack” on Tuesday and it has since been covered in an alarming wet spot.

In a recent “ask us anything lol” someone asked the Kumquat, “I think my boner is too full. Should I go to Urgent Care?” And we think you should reach out to your dad’s doctor friend first.

Stay healthy panthers, and try to pretend your hands are someone else’s.