Most colleges would be horrified to be involved in such bad press — but not Chapman. Being suddenly compared to schools like USC and Yale has this university hard as a fucking rock.

Chapman’s cock is throbbing that it was name-checked in The New York Times, called by association, a “Top University.” The school was so horny that it couldn’t help itself, sending not one, but two apology emails to the entire student body.

The Kumquat went to the dean’s office to ask for comment on the matter, but struggled to hear what university staff was saying over the party poppers and the blasting of “Celebration” by Kool & The Gang.

The next morning, a hungover administrator commented for the Kumquat via email— saying “Finally Something other than the Duffer Brothers to put us on the map.”