Hey girls. It’s me, Doodle Monkey. This god forsaken June your cartoonist is swapping out sword for pen because there are NO GAY BITCHES ON THE KUMQUAT. Ok sure, the editors. And the web editor... and the graphic designers and fellow staff writers… but I’m talking about hot single bitches, none of these oat-chai sipping uglies.

The editors approached me, practically screaming and kicking, begging me to write. Like, can I help you? It’s pride month, the question is can you help me! 

I guess it really it us pretty girls who do all the heavy lifting. 

I finally did it because they told me I could take this paper bag off my head. I asked to be promoted to my own desk instead of sharing with our gay web designer but they insisted, saying that the “budget just isn’t there” and that we “look really cute together,” whatever that means. Is this the plight of the working man?

If you really wanted to “amplify queer voices,” you’d print the damn cartoon.