Dear AF Stairs, 

First off, your existence is chaos. How are all of your steps both too narrow and too wide? I genuinely don’t know the length of stride I should take. Also, don’t give me that “being a spiral staircase is hard” bullshit, because I just spent some time in Europe and they have many spiral staircases that understand the math of how to make every step the same distance, even though they are on a consistent rotation. Your purpose is to be walked on, yet you’re so slippery— why? Do you want me to need two steps for each stair, or one? 

Maybe, I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m trapped in my dated, eurocentric, standards of what it means to be a staircase. You don’t have to make sense to be a good staircase, you just have to be called “stairs.” You challenge the norm and that makes you special. So AF Stairs, be my date February 14th? I’d love to walk on you, if you’d let me. 

Lemme know, 

Confused & Horny