At Chapman’s last football game of the season the Wells Fargo Bank Blimp malfunctioned, dumping a bajillion dollars down on the stadium. The DIII Chapman Panthers who were playing themselves because Notre Dame decided it wasn’t worth the airfare, have all decided to quit school and buy a 30 rack of Bud Light and a metric ton of cocaine.

Following the blimp malfunction, Angelina Jolie appeared in the stands, offering personal massages to all 6 fans. After giving a massage to fan Debora Chadsky, Jolie grew wings and flew off into the sunset. Mrs. Chadsky grabbed onto Angelina’s heel and went with her yelling, “That was the closest I’ve ever been to cumming!” Mr. Chadsky reportedly shrugged saying, “I mean, yea.”

Then, Gru from Despicable Me sprinted naked through the empty stands while a dress rehearsal for the Victoria Secret fashion show was held on the 40 yard line. All in all it was a pretty standard Chapman football game. This is all super true, how would you even know? We both know you weren’t there.